Laugh Like Pee-wee (2017)
Laugh Like Pee-wee 2017 was the eighth installment of the annual Laugh Like Pee-wee event, held on January 29, 2017. The show was highlighted by the 30-man Laugh Like Pee-wee match for The Shark's World Heavyweight Championship, Mark Jindrak going one-on-one with The Rock, and Dynamite Derek facing off against J-Pac where the loser would enter the Laugh Like Pee-wee match at the number-one spot. __TOC__ Background At Dr. Meinheimer, The Shark became the champion of the world after flattening Dynamite Derek an unfathomable four times. Shortly thereafter, Commissioner Barkley settled the score with Walter P. Wiley's new champion by declaring that he will defend the World Heavyweight Title in the 30-man Laugh Like Pee-wee match for the first time ever. We also saw, at Dr. Meinheimer, Kurt Angle lock in a debilitating submission hold that locked him the 30th entrant position in the over-the-top-rope battle. While this could make the Olympic Hero an odds-on favorite to win, there's no denying Brock Lesnar's desire to get his hands on both The Shark and the gold after what transpired in his last title bout. Of course there's also Dynamite Derek, who would no doubt like to erase the defeat that closed out what was arguably the best year of his career. Guest assistant commissioner Mick Foley was more than happy to offer Ben Unhinged a spot in the bout, which elicited a sour response from J-Pac. The Infinity Kid accused Foley of favoritism and blamed the Hardcore Legend for costing him his match against Ben, speculating that his bum knees must have hindered his ability to get down and count pins. Fed up, Foley informed J-Pac that he was going to offer him a spot in the match as well. However, due to excessive disrespect, he officially barred J-Pac from entering the 2017 Laugh Like Pee-wee match. Outraged, he inquired who could possibly be able to fill his spot, going as far to suggest that Foley may put a broken-down blast from the past in the match for a nostalgia pop. Upon pondering the sardonic proposition, Foley decided that was exactly what he would do. He would enter himself in the 30-man contest in J-Pac's place. The SvR06 elite are lining up for this unprecedented opportunity, many whom have competed in Laugh Like Pee-wee yet have never competed in a match with the World Heavyweight Championship as the prize. Not only that, numerous wrestlers and athletes from multiple sports outside of SvR06 have caught wind of this monumental event and are trekking to compete as well. With so much on the line, and so many looking to make their mark, this could be the biggest extravaganza in Laugh Like Pee-wee history! Angle's Army shocked the world when they selected The Rock to round out their Dr. Meinheimer team against Nature's Boys. In fact, many have gone as far to suggest that their victory may not have been possible without the aid of The People's Champion. However, two people who don't share this sentiment are Ric Flair and Mark Jindrak. The Nature Boy reminded everyone that not only was The Rock the first man eliminated in that tag team contest, but it was at the hands of Jindrak's homage to Flair in the form of a low blow. The taunting was eventually put to rest by The Rock himself, who initiated the exchange by telling the duo that he wished he could feel as good as they look in their tailor-made suits. He would then immediately backpedal and say that he wouldn't want that because he hates feeling like a giant sack of monkey crap. On the topic of sacks, he admitted that Jindrak managed to pin him after popping him in the People's Pills, but made it clear that it would never happen again if he were to go one-on-one with The Great One. Fed up, Jindrak countered The Rock's catchphrase-spinning by telling him to "know his place and shut his face." The Rock would respond by saying that his place is in the ring, and that if Jindrak didn't shut his mouth about The Rock that he would take those solid-gold Rolex watches, the Tom Ford suits, the overcompensating limousines, and especially the Money in the Bank briefcase and shove them all so far down his gullet that there wouldn't be enough room for The Rock to shove his boot in his candy ass. Ric Flair, shouting and disrobing simultaneously, had heard enough. With Jindrak not able to enter the Laugh Like Pee-wee match, Flair proposed that his protege would have nothing better to do on January 29th than to embarrass The Rock yet again in the middle of the ring. Without hesitation, The Rock informed the two of them to bring their frilly robes, their discount hair gel, their A-game, and their noses to Laugh Like Pee-wee so they could truly smell what The Rock is cookin'. Outraged by his exclusion from the Laugh Like Pee-wee match, J-Pac continued to dispute Mick Foley's competence both as a figure of authority and as a functioning human being. The Infinity Kid couldn't fathom how three victims of the reckless culture his industry breeds, namely Mick Foley, Ben Unhinged, and Dynamite Derek, could be qualified to enter the 30-man match while he is left out simply for telling the truth. Dynamite Derek took exception to this statement, pointing out that Ben is only in the state that he's in because he was stabbed in the back by someone they all thought they could trust. J-Pac, looking at The Shark's handiwork up and down, told his friend that his problem isn't with him. That being said, he admitted that Dynamite Derek needed to learn that the ways of people like Mick Foley will only lead to a life of misery and anguish. Swiftly, J-Pac kicked Dynamite Derek in his battle-worn sternum, telling him to relinquish his spot in the Laugh Like Pee-wee match and figure out what's best for him. The former World Heavyweight Champion would later collect himself and refuse to do as J-Pac had requested. Instead, The Dark Luminary chose to do the exact opposite by pulling double duty and challenging J-Pac to a match at the event. J-Pac accepted, but promised his estranged friend that he wouldn't have it in him to compete against 29 others once they are through. Sheamus successfully retained the United States Championship at Dr. Meinheimer against Muhammad Hassan, albeit by countout. Ever since, Hassan has been ramping up his criticism of the Irish-born representative of America, going as far to call Sheamus a coward like every other foreigner who flees their homeland rather than confront their problems. Hassan refused to live up to his agreement to leave the country because he was never officially defeated. Never one to back down from a fight, Sheamus told Hassan that they could take countouts out of the equation with the title on the line once again. Sheamus is known for taking his brawls outside the ring, and at Laugh Like Pee-wee, he and Muhammad Hassan will have all the time they like to take their battle all over the arena. That being said, the one who leaves with the United States Championship will have to earn that privilege inside the ring. Wrestler: Unstoppable spent the majority of 2016 uncovering the secret sect of competitors on the roster known as SPOOK. Despite being outnumbered, he has continued to fight back in order to expose them and their nefarious activities once and for all. His relentless pursuit for truth has finally earned the personal attention of SPOOK's Number 1. The mysterious leader claims to have crossed paths with the Secret Agent Man on numerous occasions, yet has managed to go undetected through it all. However, at Laugh Like Pee-wee, it appears that will all change. Number 1 has promised that they will enter the ring with Wrestler: Unstoppable at the annual event, presumably to settle their storied score. The question is, as the numbers are less in his favor than ever before, will Lita return to ringside to assist her mountainous mound of man? Unfortunately, not every competitor can be in the 30-man Laugh Like Pee-wee match. But that doesn't mean that two of these six competitors can't go home with a golden opportunity of their own. For the very first time, tag teams will receive the chance to compete in a Money in the Bank Ladder match for a shot at the World Tag Team Championship. Considering what holding the briefcase has done for the career of Mark Jindrak, Ric Flair was adamant that his newest clients of The World's Greatest Tag Team be granted a spot in the match. Another team eager to join the fray were The Shithouses, given that Jushin Tiger is now back on the active roster and would like nothing more than to bring his team their first accolade by dethroning the trio that put him on the shelf. Continuing to seek his moment of redemption, Carlito quickly threw his name into the hat as well. As for his partner, Carlito sought the help of his fellow muchacho Chavo Guerrero. Despite his recent appearance at Dr. Meinheimer, Chavo still had reluctance about returning to SvR06 full time after his experience at ECW: Walk Of Shame. But whenever Haas and Benjamin questioned Chavo's loyalty to his friend, El Muchachos were officially reborn. The main event of the evening may be an over-the-top-rope contest, but this three-team ladder war could truly put this year's Laugh Like Pee-wee over the top! At Dr. Meinheimer, Rey Mysterio managed to elude defeat in the face of five resolute challengers. However, as fan footage would suggest, one of those challengers may have formed an unlikely alliance with the Cruiserweight Champion. It appeared, at one instance in the match, that Daivari slipped a metal plate into Mysterio's pant leg mere moments before Rey delivered a face-shattering 619 to Just Christian. Mysterio has vehemently denied that this ever took place, going as far to suggest that he had never met Daivari and that the footage was obviously doctored through the use of CGI. This wasn't good enough for Commissioner Barkley, who declared that the dubious circumstances were just cause to give Just Christian another opportunity at ending the year-long reign of Rey. It can be assumed that Ric Flair, despite his apparent lack of interest in the career of Just Christian as of late, will be in the corner of his client. However, one has to wonder if the champion will be accompanied by Daivari in order to even the odds. Will Just Christian obtain the justice he seeks or will Mysterio once again find a way to keep the Cruiserweight Championship in his conniving clutches? Results For years, Laugh Like Pee-wee has been the first stop for the World Heavyweight Champion’s challenger on the biggest night of the year, Diaz’s Fuck Fest. But this year, 30 elite competitors were offered the chance to compete not for a main event opportunity but rather the grandest prize itself. Wrestlers, fighters, and athletes from around the globe battled to sit at the top of the food chain, but only one could hold claim to being champion of the world by the end of the night. The show opened with numerous entrants being shown arriving at the arena. As Mick Foley passed through the parking lot to prepare for the big match, he was suddenly struck by a speeding vehicle and was left lying unconscious on the pavement. The annual event kicked off with Just Christian challenging Rey Mysterio’s ever-enduring Cruiserweight Championship reign after the controversial circumstances regarding his title retention at Dr. Meinheimer. Despite his relative lack of success, momentum stayed in Just Christian’s favor early on in the bout. That would change, however, whenever Daivari made his presence felt at ringside with Mysterio sticking to the narrative that he doesn’t know the man personally. Before Daivari had the chance to cause too much damage, Just Christian’s manager Ric Flair hurried to ringside while wielding a steel chair. The Nature Boy’s interjection allowed his client to take advantage of the distracted champion and defeat him with a 619 of his own. After a year as champion, Rey Mysterio has finally been bested one of the most unlikely of heroes. In Commissioner Barkley’s office, J-Pac asked the commissioner if he had seen what happened to Mick Foley and implored him to put him in the guest assistant commissioner’s spot in the 30-man main event. Barkley agreed to do so, but once J-Pac was out of earshot, he added that the loser of his match against Dynamite Derek will be the number-one entrant. On a night of firsts, it was only fitting that three tag teams would compete in the first-ever Tag Team Money in the Bank Ladder match. Looking to go three for three on this night, Ric Flair had high hopes for The World’s Greatest Tag Team to seize the cases. On the other hand, El Muchachos and The Shithouses, including the returning Jushin Tiger, had other ideas. This high-octane six-man contest saw continual disregard for personal well-being, the most outrageous moment occurring as Carlito was suplexed from the top of a ladder within the ring by Shelton Benjamin and onto the ringside steel steps. Despite this brush with death, Carlito and Chavo Guerrero were able to obtain the briefcases and the contracts within that guarantee them a shot at the World Tag Team Titles. After weeks of quarrels, J-Pac and Dynamite Derek finally came to blows in a match that would determine who will be entered first into the Laugh Like Pee-wee match. The estranged friends held nothing back, with J-Pac taking advantage of Dynamite Derek’s battle-worn body to drive home his point about the flawed thinking of working through injury. With the two at an apparent standstill, the match was shrouded by the silhouette of the dark, lurking figure of Kane. Neither man seemed to have any idea what business he had with either of them, but both braced themselves to face his fiery fury. Kane entered the ring and looked back and forth between both men before selecting J-Pac as his target. Dynamite Derek appeared bewildered but reluctantly took advantage of the attack by planting his opponent with a devastating DKO to bring the contest to a confusing conclusion. After the disputed conclusion of their title bout at Dr. Meinheimer, Muhammad Hassan found a loophole that allowed him to remain a citizen of his native land and subsequently challenged Sheamus to a rematch with no countout. Fortunately for the two-time United-continental Champion, his skills when it comes to brawling outside the ring were well-documented. Ultimately, however, it was within the ring that Sheamus pinned Hassan to keep his status as a dual champion well intact. After months of one-sided battles, Wrestler: Unstoppable finally squared off face-to-face with SPOOK’s Number One. As his identity had been shrouded in mystery up to this point, everyone was astonished to see Nateflix reveal himself as the puppet master behind the conspiracy to derail Wrestler: Unstoppable’s growing momentum. As the match commenced in the ring, all attention turned to Winslow J. Wiley driving the Secret Agent Man’s special lady friend, Lita, through the ringside announce table. As SPOOK’s Number Two dragged the wounded Lita away, Wrestler: Unstoppable abandoned his match with Nateflix and pursued his lover and her captor. Bitter with The Rock receiving credit for his ban from the Laugh Like Pee-wee match, Mark Jindrak looked to silence the proverbial people as well as their champion. Unfortunately for Jindrak, The Rock had his sights set on a bit of turnabout for his quick elimination at Dr. Meinheimer. Before Ric Flair to make it into the ring with his steel chair, The Rock had planted his protégé with a Rock Bottom and covered him for the victory. With that, it was time for the biggest Laugh Like Pee-wee match of all time to declare the World Heavyweight Champion. As decided by his match with Dynamite Derek, J-Pac entered first. Second was the man whose hand J-Pac had recently shattered with a steel chair, Ben Unhinged. The two had no hesitance to rekindle their rivalry, but as soon as Chance entered third, J-Pac found a shady spot where he would remain for the majority of his time in the match. Dynamite Derek joined the fray next, hoping to make the best of his championship rematch. Next was MMA fighter CM Punk, who had a surprisingly successful outing for an athlete transitioning into wrestling. The following entrant also exemplified the wide array of competitors trekking to Laugh Like Pee-wee to become champion, as “Broken” Matt Hardy made his way to the ring. Despite their successful collaboration up to this point, Ben Unhinged aided in the elimination of Dynamite Derek just as it seemed they might focus their attention on the traitorous J-Pac. Sticking to the theme of firsts, another unprecedented moment happened when Arrested Developmental’s Samoan Joan joined the fray, making her the first woman to ever enter the Laugh Like Pee-wee match. Shortly thereafter, she helped make history yet again by assisting Chewbacca in breaking the record for the shortest appearance in a Pee-wee match. As the ring began to fill up with heavy-hitters such as Batista and Macho Man, battle-worn entrants like Ben Unhinged began to find themselves ousted from the ring. Soon after, Brock Lesnar joined the field and assuredly viewed every elimination as one step closer to getting his hands on The Shark and the title. After clocking in 15 minutes, J-Pac seemed pretty confident in his game plan. That was until the familiar sound of a car crash echoed throughout the arena and Mick Foley dragged himself to the ring as he’d promised. But instead of the World Heavyweight Championship, the Hardcore Legend’s new goal seemed to be inflicting a maximum amount of pain on J-Pac. Shortly after throwing his adversary over the top rope, Foley was dumped out himself. Nevertheless, he succeeded in his goal of taking out the man he had no doubt ran him over with a car at the top of the evening. The ring continued to fill up with competitors, one of which was Daivari, adding self-appointed credence to Rey Mysterio’s story that he was there to enter the Pee-wee and was not an associate of his. Daivari, the smallest man in the match, went toe-to-toe with one of the biggest in the form of Brock Lesnar. As the two tussled, with Lesnar looking to propel Daivari over the top rope, Ricardo Diaz blindsided the beastly Brock and dumped him out. Big Show would eventually enter, making a massive impact, but was followed by defending World Heavyweight Champion The Shark to spawn a stare-down that echoed the Battle of the Behemoths that transpired at Diaz’s Fuck Fest XII. Adding to the vast array of surprise entrants was Edge, followed by Akeem, and even basketball great Dennis Rodman. All the while, DEFAULT joined the battle, looking even more large and animalistic than his last appearance. The final surprise of the night was an appearance by a gi-clad Drew, which had many perplexed as The Red Head had already entered and been eliminated moments before. As the 30th entrant, Kurt Angle, made his way into the ring it was down to the Olympic gold medalist, former Laugh Like Pee-wee match winner DEFAULT, NBA legend Dennis Rodman, the returning Drew Thunder, one-third of the World Tag Team Champions Scott Hall, and World Heavyweight Champion The Shark. The especially-aggressive DEFAULT quickly tossed out Hall, followed by Dennis Rodman. Making a big impact in his return, Drew Thunder hoisted The Shark over the top rope, leaving the destiny of the gold to be decided by one of the three remaining combatants. As is to be expected in the Pee-wee, alliances were left at the door as DEFAULT and Kurt Angle took no issue with locking up. However, it was Drew Thunder’s intervention that led to DEFAULT ultimately eliminating Angle and ended his dreams of becoming champion once again. After everything that had preceded, it came down to Drew Thunder and DEFAULT. In spite of the furious storm of Drew-jitsu that rained down upon him, DEFAULT fought back with not one, but two Funny-5’s and eventually sent Drew Thunder sailing over the top rope to bring the 2017 Laugh Like Pee-wee match to an end. Not only had DEFAULT won his second World Heavyweight Title after years of clawing his way back to it, but he became the first individual to ever win two Laugh Like Pee-wee match. After a night of so many firsts, Laugh Like Pee-wee 2017 drew closer to its end in a jubilant celebration of all the history that had been made. That was when Mark Jindrak’s music played. Handing over his Money in the Bank opportunity to the official, despite his claims that he would be cashing in at the main event of Diaz’s Fuck Fest XIII, DEFAULT’s first title defense was underway. Immediately, the new champion planted the challenger with one final Funny-5 of the night before Ric Flair stormed the ring and distracted DEFAULT. Jindrak immediately capitalized on the interference and pinned DEFAULT to become World Heavyweight Champion. To everyone else, these two had spoiled a historic night of celebration. To Flair and Jindrak, they had created the greatest Mark-Out Moment to date.